Reflections of 25 Years: The Pastor Probably Did Not Try to Offend You

Dr. Randy White

Having served in a ministry position in a local church continuously since June of 1987, I must admit I have offended a lot of people—I am sure into the thousands. The truth is that I (mostly) did not set out to offend any of them.Sometimes it was simple truth that is offensive. This is just a fact of life, and when truth intersects with current practice, truth is what is invariably seen as the offending one. This is a backwards view, but it is also a universally-present truth. Light offends the darkness. Good offends evil. Truth offends lies. I do not encourage any pastor to apologize that his preaching and ministry will sometimes offend with the truth. But this is not really the kind of offense I am talking about in this post.I have offended my thousands with an illustration that touched a tender spot, or by brushing off as trivial something that someone else saw as important, or by casually walking by without spending time for greeting or ministry. This kind of offense is very easy for anyone to do, but a pastor lives under more scrutiny than others do. The pastor is supposed to be (in the minds of most) caring, tender and sensitive. But sometimes the pastor is more crusty in his humanity than he is tender in his shepherding. Sometimes he gets tired, preoccupied, frustrated or just plain worn-out. Sometimes, quite frankly, he really does not care.Do not be too hard on the pastor for getting tired, preoccupied, frustrated or worn out. Nor should you preach a sermon to him in those times he really does not care. The truth is, you are just like him. We all are. Our humanity is perfectly… normal.Years ago, I learned that there is an unwritten rule that pastors are not supposed to get angry. It is fine—it seems—for members to get angry at their pastor, but it is never to be a two-way street. And most pastors accept this “rule” all too quickly. They acquiesce to the anger and get hogtied by the angriest. A deacon may be allowed to rant for months over a petty issue, and it is his prerogative. A pastor, on the other hand, is not allowed to respond with any anger of his own. He is to sheepishly listen. One of the things I wish I had learned earlier is that shepherds do not have to be sheepish. It really is okay for the pastor to get angry, and to express it. (For those pastors who may have an anger problem—a very small minority of pastors—forget everything I just said).The bottom line is that when the pastor showed his human side, whether it was anger or insensitivity or any aspect from the lot of casually-offensive behavior, he almost certainly did not set out to offend you. He just slipped—for one short moment—back into humanity.What should you do? Try this: Tell him. Kindly (but firmly) let him know what the problem is. “I was hurt when you did not respond to my email,” or “Your illustration rubbed salt in a wound,” or “Do you know you always walk by our Bible study but never stop to say, ‘Hi’?” I think your pastor will be grateful that he now knows he has offended you. And, since he did not set out to offend you, he will make it right, given the chance.And if you do not want to go to your pastor to tell him, then what you must do is simply forgive him. That means, “Let it go.” Far too many times I learned that I offended someone through a third (or fourth, or fifth) party. By the time the pastor hears of it, the offense has become the beginnings of World War III. I think that, if you offend me, my options are to speak to you directly (and personally) or forgive by letting it go.What I hope is that you (and I) will not be uptight people who are offended at every slight. I hope we will let a lot of water go under the bridge. I hope that you will not be the type of person who is offended almost weekly, and that you will not beat your way to the pastor’s study to let him know. I hope you will say, “He didn’t really mean to offend me, and I forgive.” But if you cannot do that, drop by the church, knock on the pastor’s study, and say, “Pastor, can I have five minutes?” You will both be blessed.Next in this series: Reflection No. 9—Sometimes Only the Pastor UnderstandsTo read other articles in this series, click here.